One sunny clear blue day me and my dad were dressed up from head to foot in camo clothing. My Dad is relatively short and stocky with grey hair and is about five foot eight. We were driving around in a field which was yellow and smooth that had big green bushes for miles. Our jeep is camo in colour and has as big bulky tires and is four wheel drive. While driving my dad yelled “there is a deer, there is a dear!” My dad screeched the jeep to a stop. As I looked out my window there was a great big tall 4x4 white tail standing 100 yards away from me. I got my trusty automatic rifle with chrome barrel lined up out the window. As I was lining up with my crosshairs on his vital organs my nervous laugh which happens often started to occur. My dad exclaimed, “you need to stop that, you need to stop or you are going to miss!” I tried to stop laughing but was unsuccessful. I took the shot anyway and because of the laugh the gun moved off to the side and I missed. I should have somehow stopped my nervous laugh. After this happened I was very angry that I could not control this. I missed the giant deer that would’ve made the Boon and Crocket record books. Dad was very disappointed in me. In the future I hope to find a remedy for it so this doesn’t happen again.
Dillon
One thing that I did a good job on is I had good character descriptions. One thing I need to improve on is a better opening sentence by making it more engaging.
ReplyDeleteGood descriptions of everything.
ReplyDeleteYou could maybe try to stretch it out and fill in a few of the blanks.